Fashion Central: Cloze & Shooze On The Bergenline

Posted on Wednesday July 11, 2012

I love Union City’s Bergenline Avenue – it’s like Brisbane’s West End or Sydney’s Newtown before the arty-farty yuppies (i.e. people like me) moved in.

‘The Bergenline’ ain’t no Fifth Avenue. No siree, it has clothes and shoes that are affordable and noticeable. (Other people might say ‘cheap and colourful’, but I’m not other people.) There’s a strong Spanish esthetic. This is all about young women looking as gorgeous as possible, during that brief period of man-catching that precedes baby-making.

‘Gorgeous’ translates to ‘short, figure-hugging, showy with lots of cutouts and sparkly jools’. I lurve it. This stuff makes Gucci look yucky and Chanel look like old flannel. Take this in, girls:

How chiq is this, chiques?

If you’re into bodice-ripping, how about this number? It saves you having to do the ripping yourself. (Email me your orders right now.).

Straight out of a Jane Austen novel – or Fifty Shades of Grey?

And then, and then, there’s the shoes. Why pay a grand (each) for your Manolo Blah-blah-blahnicks when you can get ten, twenty, fifty pairs of these beauties?  Not only are they accessibly priced, they make Jimmy Choos look pedestrian. Thank heavens Imelda Marcos never discovered this place. Mothers of caterpillars would also be in transports of delight here.

Where to start, where to start?

Even the men’s clothes make that cool gear in Manhattan look, well, dull. How could a guy who’s trying to make a statement pass up on this? Okay, it does look a little Village People (for those who admit to being alive in the 80s) but isn’t that part of its appeal? This stuff says ‘dude’ like it means it.

Hey hombre, does thees make my cojones look too beeg?

And the men’s shoes! Fake snakeskin (I’ll call it fakeskin) and wedgietoes say ‘atractivo’ like nothing I know. They really announce your presence: the toes arrive about two minutes before the rest of your foot.  And they protect those same toes far better than thongs (flip-flops for any Yanks reading this).

Two cattle died for each of these

Even the recreational gear has a Spanish twist. It’s not all boring bedroom black for these cuties.

Colourful but discreet, hey?

I do hope someone back home in Bangalow would start importing some of this gear. It would be an exciting change – we could all look like the Meditating Mexican then.